Built Like a Rock: Why Athletes Stay Silent, and Why Flexibility Beats Toughness

Leilanie Pakoa

17 hours ago

8 min read

When you think of elite athletes, you probably picture grit and determination. Early mornings. Long hours of training. An unshakeable mindset. And you'd be right. These are the traits that drive performance and build champions.

But we don't often talk about the other side. The same traits can also weigh heavily on an athlete's mental health.

Last week, we looked at the research. Around a third of elite athletes report symptoms of anxiety or depression (Gouttebarge et al., 2019). Yet only around one in five athletes who are struggling seek formal help (Cosh et al., 2024).

This blog looks at why. Part of the answer is on the inside. It's the way sport has taught us to think about being mentally tough. Part of it is on the outside. It's the culture that makes speaking up feel risky. Both point to the same solution.

Traits That Serve, and Strain, Mental Health

What makes someone a great athlete can also make mental health more fragile. Traits like:

Perfectionism: the drive to be flawless, often paired with harsh self-judgement
Discipline and routine: helpful in training, but rigid and stressful when plans change
High internal expectations: "I should be able to handle this." "I can't show weakness."
Hiding emotions: especially in environments where toughness is praised

When these traits go unchecked, they can lead to anxiety, burnout and isolation. Sometimes it looks like poor sleep or constant worry. Sometimes it's a harsh inner critic. Other times it's hidden behind more training, or behind a mask that says "I'm fine."

The Problem With Being a Rock

In sport, and in sport psychology, we have long focused on making athletes mentally tougher. Be like a rock. A negative thought comes in, and it is just water off a ducks back. A mistake happens, and you act like it didn't affect you. Nothing gets in. Nothing penetrates the mental fortress you have been able to build.

But that version of toughness comes at a cost. It builds rigidity. It builds perfectionism. It makes sport very black and white. We succeed or we fail, and there's no in between. The highs are high, and the lows are low.

As a sport psychologist, I see that it can almost make it harder to be vulnerable. Harder to say we're struggling. Harder to ask for help. Because struggling gets coded as weakness. Not tough, but failing.

The research reflects this. Bauman (2016) argued that sport culture can treat mental toughness and mental health as opposites. So admitting a mental health concern can feel like admitting you're mentally weak.

To be clear, resilience isn't the problem. Gucciardi et al. (2017) reviewed the evidence. They found that mental toughness, properly understood, can support mental health. The problem is the "rock" version. That's toughness as suppression, where feeling something means you've failed.

How the Rock Mindset Keeps Athletes Silent

Young elite athletes were asked what stops them seeking help. Stigma was the biggest barrier. Not knowing the signs, or when to reach out, also came up (Gulliver et al., 2012).

A review of elite sport found the same pattern (Castaldelli-Maia et al., 2019). Stigma was the main barrier. Others included low mental health knowledge, bad past experiences, busy schedules and macho sport cultures.

Stigma isn't just a vague feeling either. A 2024 study of 450 elite athletes looked at how it works (Bu et al., 2024). Athletes who understood mental health were more likely to intend to seek help. But two types of stigma got in the way. Public stigma is the fear of how others will see you. Self-stigma is the shame you feel about struggling at all. Social support mattered too.

This is where the rock mindset does its damage. If you've learned that feeling something means failing, self-stigma is built in. If the people around you learned the same thing, public stigma is too. Fixing one without the other leaves half the problem in place.

The Trade-Off Athletes Are Weighing

For many athletes, speaking up isn't a neutral act. This is especially true when they're competing for places, scholarships or contracts.

Research keeps finding the same reasons athletes stay quiet. They fear being deselected. They worry about who will find out (Cosh et al., 2024). They pick up on stigma, and on the norms set by teammates and coaches (Moreland et al., 2018).

So many athletes weigh up a trade-off. They can get support, but risk looking less committed. Or they can stay silent, keep looking reliable, and manage it alone. Inside a competitive environment, silence can look like the safer choice. It just isn't the healthier one.

That's why "our door is open" isn't enough. Athletes judge whether speaking up is safe by watching what happened to others who did.

Education alone doesn't close the gap either. A review of mental health education programs for athletes found they improved knowledge and attitudes. They also reduced stigma. But they didn't reliably lead more athletes to actually seek help (Bu et al., 2020). Knowing help-seeking is a good idea isn't the same as believing it's safe.

From Toughness to Flexibility

If we want to change how we talk about mental health in sport, we need to move away from toughness. We need to move towards flexibility.

Psychological flexibility is the ability to roll with whatever comes our way. It means noticing a hard thought or feeling. Making room for it. And still choosing to act on what matters to us.

Kashdan and Rottenberg (2010) describe it as adapting to changing demands. It's shifting strategies when they stop working. It's keeping balance across life, and staying true to our values. They argue it's a core part of psychological health. It's also missing in many forms of mental ill-health.

In sport, that's a big skill. So much is out of our control. A selection call. An injury. The weather. A referee's decision. A rock can only resist. A flexible athlete can bend, adjust and keep going.

There's sport-specific evidence too. Gross et al. (2018) ran a small trial with female student athletes. They compared an acceptance-based approach (Mindfulness-Acceptance-Commitment) with traditional mental skills training. The acceptance group reported less anxiety and distress. They became more flexible. Their coaches also rated their performance as better.

A more recent trial involved 95 national-level athletes (Ronkainen et al., 2025). They did a six-week acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) group program designed for sport. Their wellbeing and flexibility improved. Their stress dropped a lot.

Flexibility also changes what it means to struggle. If feeling something isn't failing, then saying "I'm not okay" isn't weakness. It's information. Asking for help becomes a skill, not a last resort. That tackles self-stigma from the inside. And when coaches and teams think this way too, it tackles public stigma from the outside.

What Helps

For athletes

Notice, don't block. Don't try to stop a nervous thought before a game. Notice it instead. "There's the 'what if I miss' thought again." Then refocus on your next action.
Find the grey. After a performance, ask three questions. What went well? What didn't? What did I learn? Avoid labelling the whole thing a success or a failure.
Anchor to values, not just outcomes. Know why you play. Know who you want to be on the field. That gives you something steady when results swing.
Treat reaching out as a skill. Early support works better than waiting for a crisis. That's why researchers have called for early intervention in athlete mental health (Purcell et al., 2019).

For coaches

Coaches are one of the most powerful levers here. Reviews show they're critical to building a culture where athletes feel able to get help (Castaldelli-Maia et al., 2019). Young athletes also say a coach's positive attitude makes help-seeking easier (Gulliver et al., 2012).

Model it, don't just permit it. Talk openly about mental health. Visibly back athletes who speak up. Make sure nothing changes in how they're treated. That does more than any policy.
Keep performance and mental health conversations separate. Say an athlete opens up, and their next selection chat feels different. That confirms the exact fear that kept them quiet.
Build in low-stakes check-ins. Regular, casual check-ins for the whole team make mental health talk routine. It stops being a big deal.
Know your referral pathways. Athletes are more likely to open up to a coach they trust than to find a psychologist themselves. Know exactly who to connect them with, before you need to.

For parents

Ask questions that don't need a "problem" to answer. Ask how your child is finding their sport, not just how they performed. That keeps a channel open without them needing a crisis to use it.
Watch your reaction. Imagine your child says "I'm struggling" and your first response is "Will you still make the team?" That teaches them what not to share next time.
Take early signals seriously. Withdrawal, losing enjoyment and mood changes are all worth a caring conversation. Have it early, before things build.

Final Thoughts

Your drive, focus and work ethic don't have to cost you your wellbeing. Support them with flexibility, awareness and the right help, and you become even stronger.

You don't need to be a rock. You need to be able to bend, feel and keep moving towards what matters. And every coach, parent and teammate who responds well when someone speaks up helps build that culture.

Because you're not just an athlete. You're a whole person. And you deserve care, too.

If you need support now, Lifeline is available 24/7 on 13 11 14. Beyond Blue (beyondblue.org.au) also has resources for athletes and young people.

References

Bauman, N. J. (2016). The stigma of mental health in athletes: Are mental toughness and mental health seen as contradictory in elite sport? British Journal of Sports Medicine, 50(3), 135–136. https://bjsm.bmj.com/content/50/3/135
Bu, D., Chung, P.-K., Zhang, C.-Q., Liu, J., & Wang, X. (2020). Mental health literacy intervention on help-seeking in athletes: A systematic review. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 17(19), 7263. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph17197263
Bu, D., Zhang, C.-Q., Liang, W., Han, Z., Yi, N., Su, N., & Huang, Z. (2024). Mental health literacy and help-seeking intention among Chinese elite athletes: The mediating roles of stigma and social support. Frontiers in Psychology, 15, 1332343. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1332343
Castaldelli-Maia, J. M., Gallinaro, J. G. M., Falcão, R. S., Gouttebarge, V., Hitchcock, M. E., Hainline, B., Reardon, C. L., & Stull, T. (2019). Mental health symptoms and disorders in elite athletes: A systematic review on cultural influencers and barriers to athletes seeking treatment. British Journal of Sports Medicine, 53(11), 707–721. https://doi.org/10.1136/bjsports-2019-100710
Cosh, S. M., McNeil, D. G., Jeffreys, A., Clark, L., & Tully, P. J. (2024). Athlete mental health help-seeking: A systematic review and meta-analysis of rates, barriers and facilitators. Psychology of Sport and Exercise, 71, 102586. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psychsport.2023.102586
Gouttebarge, V., Castaldelli-Maia, J. M., Gorczynski, P., Hainline, B., Hitchcock, M. E., Kerkhoffs, G. M., Rice, S. M., & Reardon, C. L. (2019). Occurrence of mental health symptoms and disorders in current and former elite athletes: A systematic review and meta-analysis. British Journal of Sports Medicine, 53(11), 700–706. https://doi.org/10.1136/bjsports-2019-100671
Gross, M., Moore, Z. E., Gardner, F. L., Wolanin, A. T., Pess, R., & Marks, D. R. (2018). An empirical examination comparing the Mindfulness-Acceptance-Commitment approach and Psychological Skills Training for the mental health and sport performance of female student athletes. International Journal of Sport and Exercise Psychology, 16(4), 431–451. https://doi.org/10.1080/1612197X.2016.1250802
Gucciardi, D. F., Hanton, S., & Fleming, S. (2017). Are mental toughness and mental health contradictory concepts in elite sport? A narrative review of theory and evidence. Journal of Science and Medicine in Sport, 20(3), 307–311. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jsams.2016.08.006
Gulliver, A., Griffiths, K. M., & Christensen, H. (2012). Barriers and facilitators to mental health help-seeking for young elite athletes: A qualitative study. BMC Psychiatry, 12, 157. https://doi.org/10.1186/1471-244X-12-157
Kashdan, T. B., & Rottenberg, J. (2010). Psychological flexibility as a fundamental aspect of health. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(7), 865–878. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2010.03.001
Moreland, J. J., Coxe, K. A., & Yang, J. (2018). Collegiate athletes' mental health services utilization: A systematic review of conceptualizations, operationalizations, facilitators, and barriers. Journal of Sport and Health Science, 7(1), 58–69. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jshs.2017.04.009
Purcell, R., Gwyther, K., & Rice, S. M. (2019). Mental health in elite athletes: Increased awareness requires an early intervention framework to respond to athlete needs. Sports Medicine – Open, 5, 46. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40798-019-0220-1
Ronkainen, H., Lundgren, T., Kenttä, G., Ihalainen, J. K., Kalaja, S., Valtonen, M., & Lappalainen, R. (2025). A sport-specific ACT group intervention for promoting athletes' mental well-being: A randomized controlled trial. Journal of Applied Sport Psychology. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1080/10413200.2025.2521267

This blog was drafted with assistance from Claude, an AI assistant. All content has been reviewed, edited, and approved by the author.