When the Coach Is (Maybe) the Problem: Supporting Athletes Through Difficult Coaching Relationships

Coaches hold enormous influence in an athlete's life. At their best, they shape confidence, build resilience, and ignite a lifelong love of sport. But what happens when a coaching relationship becomes the source of stress rather than support? This blog explores how athletes, parents, and organisations can recognise the warning signs of harmful coaching and what can be done to protect athlete wellbeing without losing sight of growth, skill development, and a love of sport.

Understanding the Issue

Difficult coaching exists on a spectrum. Some coaches are demanding but fair; others cross lines that cause genuine psychological harm. Research has documented emotional abuse in sport for decades. A landmark study by Gervis and Dunn (2004) found that all 12 elite child athletes interviewed had experienced belittling and shouting from their coaches and crucially, these behaviours intensified after athletes were identified as elite. Athletes described feeling worthless, depressed, fearful, and less confident as a direct result. More recently, Gearity and Thompson (2011) documented the lived experiences of collegiate and professional athletes subjected to poor coaching, finding consistent patterns of psychological harm including reduced motivation, impaired focus, and a diminished sense of self.

What makes this issue particularly complex is that harmful coaching is not always obvious. It can hide behind the language of "high standards," "mental toughness," or "preparing you for the real world." Understanding the difference between genuinely challenging coaching and emotionally damaging behaviour is the first step in protecting athletes.

Red Flags: What Does Unsafe Coaching Look Like?

Research identifies several behaviours that cross the line from challenging into harmful. These include:

• Consistent belittling, humiliation, or public shaming in front of teammates or parents

• Threats regarding playing time, team selection, or an athlete's future in the sport

• Scapegoating — singling out one athlete when the team underperforms

• Isolation — deliberately ignoring or excluding an athlete for extended periods

• Conditional worth — making an athlete feel valued only when they perform well

• Shouting as a primary communication style, particularly when targeting individuals

Bartholomew and colleagues (2011) demonstrated that controlling coaching behaviours, those that undermine athletes' autonomy, competence, and sense of belonging, are strongly linked to burnout, disordered eating, depression, and negative affect. Critically, it is not the demands of sport that cause harm; it is the relational climate in which those demands are delivered.

A healthy coaching environment is challenging and demanding, but it is also safe. Athletes should feel they can make mistakes without fear, ask questions without ridicule, and express how they feel without consequence.

How to Tell If It's Doing More Damage Than Good

Athletes, and those who love them, should be attentive to persistent changes in mood, motivation, or behaviour that cluster around sport. Warning signs that a coaching environment is causing harm include:

• Dreading training or competitions (beyond normal nerves)

• Loss of enjoyment in a sport the athlete previously loved

• Physical complaints — sleep disruption, loss of appetite, frequent illness — without clear medical cause

• Withdrawal from friends, family, or sport peers

• A sharp drop in self-confidence that extends beyond the sport

• Fear of telling adults about what happens at training

When several of these signs appear together and persist over time, it is important to take them seriously. Gervis, Rhind, and Luzar (2016) found that athletes in more elite environments reported higher rates of perceived emotional abuse, suggesting that pressure to stay silent grows as competitive stakes increase.

Navigating the Power Imbalance

One of the most challenging aspects of difficult coaching is the inherent power imbalance. Coaches control selection, playing time, access to competition, and often an athlete's pathway in their sport. Athletes, particularly young ones, are understandably reluctant to speak up. They fear being dropped, labelled as difficult, or having their dedication questioned.

Kim, Kim, and Won (2018) found that the quality of the coach–athlete relationship is a key mediator of athlete development: servant leadership (coaching that prioritises the athlete's growth and needs) produced significantly better ethical development and confidence outcomes than controlling, command-based approaches. This matters because it frames the issue not as athletes being "too sensitive," but as a genuine difference in coaching philosophy with real consequences.

For athletes navigating power imbalances, some strategies include:

• Documenting specific incidents (dates, what was said, who was present)

• Talking to a trusted adult outside the coaching environment like a parent, teacher, or welfare officer

• Separating the coach's words from fact i.e. abusive words reflect the coach's behaviour, not the athlete's worth

• Knowing your rights — sports organisations have safeguarding and welfare policies that exist precisely for this reason

How Parents Can Help

Parents play a crucial role, but one that requires care and calibration. Vierimaa, Bruner, and Côté (2018) found that athletes' sense of relatedness (feeling connected, supported, and valued) has a direct influence on their motivation and behaviour in sport. Parents are a primary source of this relatedness.

Practically, parents can:

• Listen without immediately fixing — validate feelings first

• Help athletes separate their identity from their performance or their coach's opinions

• Stay curious rather than reactive — ask open questions about training and how the athlete is feeling

• Contact club welfare officers or sport governing bodies if they have serious concerns

• Model healthy sport attitudes at the sideline — research consistently shows that parental behaviour at events shapes how athletes experience sport (Omli & LaVoi, 2012)

Parents should be careful not to escalate situations in ways that make the athlete feel responsible for conflict, or that inadvertently make the coaching environment worse for their child.

Building Resilience and Focusing on Process

Even in challenging environments, athletes can build psychological resources that protect their wellbeing and sustain their development. Sport psychology research consistently highlights that athletes who focus on process goals i.e. effort, skill execution, consistency rather than outcome goals tend to maintain higher motivation and self-confidence over time, even when results are disappointing or when their environment is difficult.

Encourage athletes to:

• Focus on what they can control — their attitude, preparation, and effort

• Track their own growth based on skills they want to improve rather than only measuring success through coach approval or competition results

• Build an identity beyond sport — athletes with a diverse sense of self are more psychologically protected when sport becomes a source of stress

• Develop a supportive inner circle — teammates, friends, and mentors who affirm their worth as people, not just performers

Fletcher and Sarkar (2012) found that resilient elite athletes shared a common feature: a positive personal identity that was not wholly dependent on sporting outcomes. This is something that parents, sport psychologists, and trusted adults can actively nurture.

A Final Word

Challenging coaches are a reality of sport, and not every difficult experience requires intervention. Some tension and discomfort is part of growth. But there is a clear and evidence-based line between a coach who pushes athletes to be better and one who causes psychological harm. Athletes deserve to develop in environments where they are valued, challenged with respect, and heard.

If something doesn't feel right, it's worth exploring. Speaking up is not a weakness, it's an act of self-knowledge, and one of the most important skills any athlete can develop.

References

• Bartholomew, K. J., Ntoumanis, N., Ryan, R. M., & Thøgersen-Ntoumani, C. (2011). Psychological need thwarting in the sport context: Assessing the darker side of athletic experience. Journal of Sport and Exercise Psychology, 33(1), 75–102. https://doi.org/10.1123/jsep.33.1.75

• Fletcher, D., & Sarkar, M. (2012). A grounded theory of psychological resilience in Olympic champions. Psychology of Sport and Exercise, 13(5), 669–678. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psychsport.2012.04.007

• Gearity, B. T., & Thompson, M. A. (2011). Athletes' experiences of the psychological effects of poor coaching. Psychology of Sport and Exercise, 12(3), 213–221. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psychsport.2010.11.004

• Gervis, M., & Dunn, N. (2004). The emotional abuse of elite child athletes by their coaches. Child Abuse Review, 13(3), 215–223. https://doi.org/10.1002/car.843

• Gervis, M., Rhind, D., & Luzar, A. (2016). Perceptions of emotional abuse in the coach–athlete relationship in youth sport: The influence of competitive level and outcome. International Journal of Sports Science & Coaching, 11(6), 772–779. https://doi.org/10.1177/1747954116676103

• Kim, M., Kim, Y., & Won, D. (2018). From commanding to serving athletes: Nurturing the coach–athlete relationship. International Journal of Sports Science & Coaching, 13(6), 1210–1220. https://doi.org/10.1177/1747954118790810

• Omli, J., & LaVoi, N. M. (2012). Emotional experiences of youth sport parents I: Anger. Journal of Applied Sport Psychology, 24(1), 10–25. https://doi.org/10.1080/10413200.2011.578102

• Vierimaa, M., Bruner, M. W., & Côté, J. (2018). Sportspersonship coaching behaviours, relatedness need satisfaction, and early adolescent athletes' prosocial and antisocial behaviour. International Journal of Sport and Exercise Psychology, 16(1), 4–18. https://doi.org/10.1080/1612197X.2016.1142461