Finding the Right Fit: Why Connection Matters in Therapy

Seeking support from a psychologist is a brave and meaningful step toward better mental health and wellbeing. But therapy is not a one-size-fits-all process. Just like any meaningful relationship, the connection between you and your psychologist plays a powerful role in shaping your experience and outcomes.

In fact, decades of psychological research show that the quality of the therapeutic alliance, the bond and collaborative partnership between therapist and client, is one of the strongest predictors of success across therapy types and presenting issues (Flückiger et al., 2012).

So, what makes for a strong connection in therapy, and how do you know when you’ve found someone who aligns with your needs?

The Therapeutic Alliance: More Than Just Rapport

The therapeutic alliance is not just about liking your psychologist or having things in common. It refers to the trust, safety, collaboration, and mutual understanding that develops between you both. This includes:

• Emotional bond – Feeling respected, heard, and supported

• Agreement on goals – A shared understanding of what you want to achieve

• Collaboration on tasks – Working together on the "how" of therapy (Flückiger et al., 2012)

A strong alliance gives clients a sense of agency in their treatment and fosters the kind of safe environment that allows for growth, vulnerability, and honest reflection. In many ways, the relationship becomes therapy.

When Therapy Feels “Right”: Alignment Matters

Every psychologist brings their own therapeutic style, theoretical orientation, and personal presence into the room. As a client, you bring your unique background, preferences, values, and goals. When those elements align — even imperfectly — therapy feels more collaborative and effective.

You may not always agree with everything your psychologist says, but you should feel:

• Comfortable enough to speak openly

• Safe to explore difficult topics

• Understood without judgment

• Able to ask questions and give feedback

This “fit” often becomes especially important in treatments for eating disorders, trauma, identity work, or relational distress where shame, secrecy, or fear are common barriers (Zaitsoff et al., 2015). In these cases, the connection can be more healing than the intervention itself.

It’s Okay to Speak Up: Communicating Your Needs

Therapy is most effective when it’s an active, ongoing collaboration. That means it’s okay and even encouraged to talk about:

• What is or isn’t working in your sessions

• What you’re hoping for

• How you feel about the process

• If you need more structure, less talking, or a different pace

Many psychologists welcome this feedback. In fact, building a culture of transparency can strengthen the working relationship and help tailor the approach to you (Norcross & Wampold, 2011).

Directing your sessions doesn’t mean you need to come with all the answers — it means you’re allowed to shape the process with your preferences in mind.

What to Expect in the First Few Sessions

The early stages of therapy are all about building connection, setting goals, and understanding context. You might notice your psychologist taking time to:

• Ask about your history, relationships, and what brings you to therapy

• Clarify what you’d like to get out of sessions

• Explore how you experience emotions, stress, or change

• Explain how they work and what therapy might look like with them

You’re not expected to share everything all at once. Your psychologist will ideally move at your pace, check in on how the space feels for you, and adjust based on your feedback. These initial sessions are also a chance for you to evaluate if the approach, communication style, and overall feel are a good match.

What If You Don’t Feel a Connection?

It’s important to know that not every therapist-client match will feel right and that’s okay. You are allowed to try someone else. This isn’t a failure of you or the psychologist; it's part of the process of finding the right fit.

Some signs that the fit may not be ideal include:

• Feeling judged, misunderstood, or dismissed

• Consistently dreading sessions

• Not feeling safe to talk openly

• Lack of collaboration or clarity

Trust your instincts — you deserve to feel seen and supported. Many people need to meet more than one psychologist before they find the right person.

A Shared Journey: The Ethics of Connection

At its core, therapy is a relational and ethical space. Psychologists are trained not only in evidence-based methods but also in reflective practice, an ongoing process of noticing, adjusting, and staying present to the unique dynamics of each relationship (Bannister-Tyrrell, 2020).

The act of attuning to your experience, responding flexibly, and engaging with cultural, neurodivergent, or personal differences is what helps therapy become a shared and healing process.

When a psychologist prioritises relationships, not just symptom reduction, clients feel more empowered, understood, and able to make meaningful change.

Final Thoughts

Therapy works best when you feel connected, safe, and involved in the process. The therapeutic alliance is not just a backdrop to the “real” work — it is the work. Whether you're starting therapy for the first time or looking to re-engage, trust that finding the right fit matters.

You deserve to feel heard, to shape your own story, and to connect with someone who truly gets it.

References

1. Bannister-Tyrrell, M. (2020). Connecting the theoretical, the personal, and the ethical in psychology. In V. Knight & B. Traynor (Eds.), Ethics in Psychology: Reflections, Connections and Personal Practice. Australian Academic Press.

2. Flückiger, C., Del Re, A. C., Wampold, B. E., Symonds, D., & Horvath, A. O. (2012). How central is the alliance in psychotherapy? A multilevel longitudinal meta-analysis. Clinical Psychology Review, 32(7), 495–505. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2012.07.002

3. Zaitsoff, S. L., Pullmer, R., Cyr, M., & Aime, H. (2015). The role of the therapeutic alliance in eating disorder treatment outcomes: A systematic review. International Journal of Eating Disorders, 48(1), 1–19. https://doi.org/10.1002/eat.22672

4. Norcross, J. C., & Wampold, B. E. (2011). Evidence-based therapy relationships: Research conclusions and clinical practices. Psychotherapy, 48(1), 98–102.

5. Horvath, A. O., & Luborsky, L. (1993). The role of the therapeutic alliance in psychotherapy. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 61(4), 561–573.

6. Bachelor, A., & Horvath, A. O. (1999). The therapeutic relationship. In M. A. Hubble, B. L. Duncan, & S. D. Miller (Eds.), The Heart and Soul of Change: What Works in Therapy (pp. 133–178). American Psychological Association.

7. Cooper, M. (2008). Essential research findings in counselling and psychotherapy: The facts are friendly. London: Sage.

8. Gelso, C. J., & Samstag, L. W. (2008). A tripartite model of the therapeutic relationship. In S. F. Koch, R. J. Hill, & A. R. Stricker (Eds.), The therapeutic relationship: Perspectives and themes (pp. 21–36). Routledge.